in a thought race

i have been stuck in the reflective mood or rather i call it a thought race for quite some time. been trying very hard to think back to collect bits and pieces of my long buried past which i'd rather them be. funny thing is, as much as i'd want them to stay buried, deep down i know better, they could never stay put.

as much as i would like to live my life with no regrets, i'd still question myself what if...

what if i didn't turn up for that dinner that christmas, would i lose a dear friend?

what if i didn't insist on pursuing my career and went ahead to apply the working holiday visa, would things be different?

if only i could be patient, would the ending be any different?

what if i hold still, would there be a change of path?

what if, and too many what ifs...

would i be a different person of what i am today if i chose the other path at that particular instance? i will never know.