panic! attacked

i always thought that i am a relatively calm person regardless of whatever shit happens. alright, maybe i'll be frantic for a couple of minutes, then you'll be seeing me pulling a stone face and talk in a deeper tone, trying to solve the problem. let it be incidents when i should have shit in my pants such as  - mugged by two people when i was walking alone on the streets or tailed and cornered by a road bully a family of road bullies for 20 minutes. never once, you will see me panic without knowing what's my next step.

but heck, this month i was attacked by panic not just once but twice. 

the first incident took place in early september. that day started all nice and dandy with me shopping happily alone. suddenly, some funny feelling nudged me to check for my driving license and true enough it wasn't there even if i had searched through my purse and handbag up and down, left and right, inside and out. it was that moment, the first wave of fear hit me. i took out all my cards and thousands of receipts from my purse, hoped that my license will miraculously appear. of course, it didn't. 

then the second wave of panic took its toll. i tried to walk to my car with tremble legs while the brain was frantically working on clues and cues where i'd have possibly misplaced or dropped my license - could it be in my room or did i left it at some publication houses when i did my media visits the previous day before? hastily i drove out of the shopping mall with cluttered and disturbed thoughts, thinking i'd need to take a half day leave and drive all the way down town to re-do my license, and oh crap there goes my half day where i have three thousand things to do for next week. or man, i can't take leave because i have couple of media interviews and launches to attend. oh fuck, what about my license then!

before i can focus on where i was heading to, driving super fast, i was that close, literally few inches away from bumping into a car right in front of me. without a second thought i hit the break and turned my steering to the left. my car swayed aside with great motion and all i heard was a high pitch shriek let out by my tyres. i stopped at the middle of the road with my heart racing 100 km/j, thinking i'd have easily got into an accident if there were any cars at my left lane.

slowly i pulled my car aside. that instance, an episode of anxiety clouded me - drops of cold sweat trickled down my face, my hands and foot were shaking, i nearly choked on my own breathe and my heart palpitated, coupled with a dizzy sensation. my mind just went completely blank! i took a good 15 minutes to collect myself, making mental notes that i mustn't drive more than 60km/j for the next couple of hours.

that night, i ran to two different locations to look for my license then i gave up and went to file for a police report. that night, i not only lost my license and maybe nearly my life, but also something that holds dearly in my heart. the next couple of days i found my license in my office but the thing i cherish the most is forever gone.

the second panic attack happened today. after i gave a great 5 minutes lecture to my intern, my mind went blank for 20 minutes then the same series of intense fear overwhelmed me. the matter that triggered today's attack wasn't as great as what happened last two weeks, but it stoned me for quite some time before i resume my daily grinds. 

two times of panic attack already made me feel like i had the ride of a lifetime; i probably will not survive if third time happens.