it freaks me out, really

i listened to her very carefully, at the same time, reading her facial expression.

she was complaining that guys are selfish bunch. they never really care about how their words and actions could hurt others. she went on and on and on and on and on, and on and on an on and on and on and on and on and on.. UNTIL she said:"

i miss my ex so much that you know what i will do? i login into his emails and social network accounts to stalk him. sometimes i used his email to write emails to myself and he doesn't know about it.

while she was saying this, her facial muscle twitched. it was as if stalking her ex is her greatest hobby, and she freaking enjoys it.

it just freaks me out really. for once, i can at least say that i am pretty normal as compared to some of the crazy individuals. am just lucky she is not my ex.

it takes so long for me to understand

yeap, for once i've actually acknowledged that i am emo.

it takes so long for me to understand that as much as i never give up on people, they gave me up easily. it feels fucking awful to know people i love or care about do not share the same beliefs like i do. 

yes, i can be god damn stubborn and optimistic at times, but i always know that if we hope enough and never give up, we'll find a way out. the journey can be rough and tough, but as long as there's a tiny glimmer of hope, why let go of someone you always love, believe and trust.

or may be am wrong or i've always trusted the wrong person. that is why they always gave me up easily.

times like this i hate myself because i never wanted to admit i made the wrong choice in believing someone.

树与人的故事

人与树遇上了。

树木木的，从来不花俏，忠忠实实，外表沉闷，脚踏实地。人也没要求多，默默地守着，慢慢的施肥，静静地等待，常不厌倦地想出有趣又不曾做过的东西惹树笑，目的是要看到树苦又纳闷的脸一个简单的笑容。

但是有些日子人常会遇到不如意的事，有些时候转牛角尖的性格会很刁钻，说话不全面，甚至会不小心伤害身边的人，但每回都不放在心上， 因为人认为树就有如家人一样，了解这是无心之错，也希望树明白人虽人似开朗但常需要鼓励及肯定。

但树及人每回被伤害总是憋在心里。每当事发总不能解决，最终还是不了了之。

故事完毕。

betrayal

hate it.

but it reminds you of how bad you are at judging people; just when you thought you found someone you can trust.

just the way you always want to be

i still remember our conversation happened at that apartment we rented; i was lying on that filthy couch listening to your dream and how you have sketched your life plans two years after we graduated.

it was the simplest dream i ever heard of. It may be plain and unchallenged but she doesn't need to go through the rollercoaster of life to finally realise what she really wants. 

i secretly wished that i can have the dream like her's. holding my loved one till the endest bit of my life.we all thought we can. at least i nearly think i could.

if i ever can be as simple as her. keeping life uncomplicated as it should be.things could have been different. way different. but i am not her, because being simple is the best of her. that is why she deserves to have what she wants in life.

i wish you happy marriage that stands the test of time.

and you will.

cocoon of lies and deception

"you now may find being the third party in one's relationship is ridiculous, but when you reach my age, you'll understand and embrace this. men are just selfish creature and us women simply have too much empathy and love not to fall for the trap."

i shall pen this quote down. i hope when i hit 35, i wouldn't have to find the most absurd excuse to explain myself when i have conducted a sin.

i hope you find peace living in a cocoon of lies and deception spun by yourself.

bull shit.

i can't help

before you continue reading, i'll have to explain that i am not being bitter nor jealous. usually, i would refrain myself from commenting on one's physical appearance, as how a creature person could look like is the purest gift from his / her biological mother, god and mother nature.

i am sorry if i've accidentally sore your feelings and wounds. i hope you do understand that the following statement is only directed to one person, and only that particular individual could fit the bill.

if you are feeling uncomfortable already, please move your cursor to the little x situated on top of your right side computer screen and click it.

before i swamp you with my words, i couldn't thank you enough for your understanding and thoughtfulness.

THE LAST I CHECKED YOU ARE STILL ULTIMATELY BITTER, AND POSSESS TOO  MUCH OF SELF-LOVE AND VANITY. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU AND PLEASE ACT LIKE AN ADULT (READ: STOP DREAMING OF BECOMING A ROCK STAR AS YOU CAN'T SING THAT WELL, AND I DO NOT HAVE THE HEARTS  TO TELL YOU AT THE FACE  AS I THOUGHT YOU'LL COME TO REALISATION ONE DAY BUT SADLY NO) GIVEN THAT YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING A QUARTER OF A CENTURY ALREADY FOOL. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE STILL A PR AS YOUR ENGLISH IS NOT  ONLY EXCRUCIATINGLY POOR BUT READING THEM IS ALREADY A PAIN TO PEOPLE'S EYES.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS FUCKING  UGLY LIKE A CINA AH-LIAN BUT SHE COMPLEMENTS YOU PERFECTLY AS YOU ARE ALSO AN AH BENG FROM A PUNY TOWN. I THOUGHT YOU COULD DO BETTER BUT TOO BAD  YOU ARE TOO FULL OF YOURSELF TO PICK UP POSSIBLE CUES GIVEN BY YOUR MATES OR YOUR LIFE.

YOUR LIFE IS JUST A RETARD.

sometimes what you said can be a jingle

i know i cannot be bothered anymore.

sometimes i am so sure that what you said didn't mean jack to me. i wouldn't give a flying kite to them. in fact, they couldn't mean any flying fucks to me.

no matter how much i was convinced that those words meant no harm to me anymore, the words that you said sprouted and grew, deeper and deeper. rubbing salts to my wounds and sores.

maybe you are right. i am trying hard. too hard indeed.

so hard that i can't go with the flow. too hard that things become awkward. i am straining myself too much that i couldn't let things go. like a kid with palm full of sweets that she couldn't pull her hand out of the jar. too greedy to let go some of the sweets.

i am too greedy that i want all. that is why i tried so hard and i ended up none.

i can't ditch it, really. i thought i had. it's already a jingle, twirling in my mind. jinxing i can never loved, nor be loved.

i have been m.i.a?

I've not realised i've been abandoning my blog IF lp didn't remind me of this. Alright, you can say I've been shamelessly abandoning my blog. Alright, my last entry was June 15. OK, it's been more than a month. OK, OK I get it.

I think I ought to crap write something longer to fill in the July quota, and heck it's already near end of the month.

Where have you been for the past one month?
If I am not at your place, I am at other places. Or should I be at your place? I really forgot.


What have you done for the past one month?
I sprained my ankle but still walking around with my heels.

Sometimes I scar my face when I look into the mirror early in the morning, and I've also scarred my face even I am not looking at myself.

Recently, I must have been the most disobedient employee. I could have won the award under rebellious category. I've turned rebellion at the age of 24.

I met Gillian Chung, and she looks much prettier with clothes and she is pretty.

I travelled down to Kuantan. I felt guilty looking at my parents and wasn't there for them every minute they grew older.

I've been preoccupied with online shopping. I tried to stop myself from going to the malls on weekends during Mega Sales, looking at it, staying in my room neither can save me from spending.


How are you feeling? Have you been soul searching? Are you happy?
I don't do soul searching unless someone wants me to pretend to be deep.

I am semi happy. I sulk most of the time. Ice cream can no longer keep my insanity. I take all these as THE signals. THE DAY is coming very soon. BAHAHAHAHAHAH...

At one of the day of this month, I was suddenly reminded of a scene and the word 'pathetic'.

pa.thet.ic
–adjective
1.causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.; pitiful; pitiable: a pathetic letter; a pathetic sight.
2.affecting or moving the feelings.

Apparently some people doesn't really understand the word pathetic while keep using without knowing what does it stands for. I feel sorry for him. Hope his all fine and wouldn't be bogged down by his karma. That would be PATHETIC.


Will you be m.i.a for another month?
I don't really know that. I would like to be an avid blogger BUT, i have the my world to save.


How long will you be in your m.i.a mode?
I don't really know, I am in m.i.a mode remember? People aren't suppose to let anyone know when they are missing in action?


Can i call you?
Of course you may, but that doesn't mean that I will pick up your call hun.


A few quick thoughts?
damn stone already la.

yesterday

She told me you cried.

Oh, that's fake, i thought.

I tried very hard to recall whether you were sorry for what you did. Strange still, i can't remember anything. Not a thing.

I guess it just didn't mean anything to me anymore.